Like an angry rock star, sometimes I want to scream and pull my hair out.
“What am I doing?” I say to no one, or maybe to everyone. “Somebody help me. Somebody guide me. What should I do?”
When my faith is strong, I know my beloved teachers are listening to me and guiding me from just the other side of the veil. My faith is not always that strong when the realities of this world weigh heavy on me. At those times, I want to run away.
I light the incense and the candles, and then I revert to the classic prayers of my childhood before opening the dialog. And like the good Catholic girl who still lives in my heart, I fall to my knees and beg for guidance. I want to do good. I want to follow this inner compass beating deep within my soul, but the yoke of expectations is choking me.
Why can’t the answers be fed to me, like some spiritual telegraph.
That’s not how it works, I know is their answer. The answer to my doubt has to come from myself. That’s the only way this “Free Will” thing works. I need to make my own decisions based on what feels right and strong in my heart.
Sometimes, though, other voices speak louder than my heart — not mysterious voices from the great beyond or the dark unknown. Voices that sound oddly like things I used to say when I thought I had the answers. That’s what makes it tough. That’s what makes me wonder what is guiding me and if I’m doing the right thing.
At the end of the day, though, the love of my teachers shows me the way, but, many times, I still scream.
And yet still, I have faith,
The Dragonfly’s Student